“Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.”
-- or when I reiterated the view in this line:
“When a friend needs consolation, nothing will keep so well until tomorrow as the truth.”
But twice I have seen the first line debated in internet chatrooms, the verdict each time being that telling a falsehood is always bad, opening a Pandora’s Box to all manner of disaster. How do I respond to this? I respond by coming down coming squarely on the side of kindness. I believe this puts me on the side of the God of both testaments of the Judaeo-Christian tradition, – the God who gave us the Ten Commandments and the God who gave us the Sermon on the Mount.
To my ear, the commandment against lying seems to have been carefully crafted to exclude the lie of kind intent: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” The God of Moses had no trouble with clarity. He was explicit in saying “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt not steal,” these being clear assaults against one’s neighbor. But had He said, “Thou shalt not lie,” his law might have been construed to condone an assault of truth against one’s neighbor. Instead, His commandment puts the emphasis clearly on the consideration of our neighbor’s welfare. The short form of the commandment is not “Thou shalt not lie” but “Thou shalt not harm thy neighbor by thy word.” It is a corollary to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ spoke of those “who say all manner of evil against you falsely.” He did not condemn those who say all manner of good of you, in the interest of your welfare, be it false or otherwise. Here is the God who reduced the commandments to two: Love thy God and Love thy neighbor. In giving us the beatitude, “Blessed are the merciful…,” did He intend to exclude from the merciful those who bend the truth so as not to hurt their neighbor?
I think of it this way – there is a distinction between the facts that we discern as truth, and the Eternal Truth which is God Himself, to whom our only allegiance is owed, and who has provided us the model of kindness and understanding that should inform our lives. And so, for myself at least, the rule is simple:
“Love thy neighbor, and if it requires that you bend your understanding of the truth, the Truth will understand.”
-- Robert Brault
41 comments:
Right on!
You must know I'd have to comment on this one. I have a strong acceptance of what is right and wrong...and I find your 'bending' of the truth compassionate, caring, and so very 'right'.
I know of no one who has not 'bent' the truth, and often just to benefit themselves. Can anyone honestly say they've never expressed an untruth of any kind? I have my doubts...
The sparing of one's heart and soul an ounce of pain by far outweighs the trangression of the lie. Sometimes, the truth is too ruthless to express...and serves no purpose.
Your last thought says it all...eloquently, compassionately, and truthfully...
Your friend,
Mattie
Mattie is spot on...as you are. Is she a fellow writer or poet I wonder.
'The sparing of one's heart and soul' etc! is a very quotable quote in itself.
Marlene, thanks so much. I encourage everyone to take a peek at that lighthouse painting that is on your blog today. What a treat!
Mattie, I have not seen a post from you in a long while, and I assume that you are fighting a daily battle for your health. You have my fervent prayer. Thanks for your eloquent comment, and please note the comment from Ken Devine, my British friend (who is soon to be relocating to Brittany, in France.)
Ken, Greetings! Mattie is indeed a fellow writer and quotesmith -- and a poet, par excellence. You might click on her name and heck out her blogs.
smiles to all,
rb
Ken,
Well, you could "heck" out Mattie's blogs, just for a lark, but "checking" them out would be better.
oops,
rb
One of my favorite quotes attributed to Fred Astaire:
"Before I speak, I always ask myself 'is it kind, is it neccessary, is it true?' After that, of course, I keep my mouth shut."
I've always told my kids that something must be 2 out of 3 in order for them to say it. It's solved a lot of conflict in our home.
Some things are just better left unsaid. But I agree with you....I'd rather err on the side of kindness and compassion than speak what I percieve to be the truth.
Hi, I love this post today, thanks so much:)
I have been told over the years that I am a fairly good writer. The other day Buddy's Mom said I should write a book about my life, because she thinks I do well on my blog writing. Then our friend Roger out of the blue, said I was thinking of you yesterday when I saw a advertisement for work in writing short stories. Finally I was watching Joel Osteen on TV last Sunday morning and one of the first things Joel said is some people are meant to write a book. Lately I have been feeling God talking to me to write a book. I didn't know how to begin. So I talked it over with Buddy and we agreed it would be a simple, shorter book about us/our married life tieing in a few memories of our past with our families before we met. I had no idea how to write it and then I thought well I will just do the chapters by each year we have been married and write down next to that year what we learned in life in a story. I pretty much have the last chapter written and the first one I am at lost how to begin. It will come to me. I told Buddy's mom that it may just be a book for the family, I have no clue if it would be good enough for the whole world to read. So what do you think about me in my attempts to write a book? Let me know your ideas. Thanks so much!!
Christina
Liz,
You inspire two quotes for which you deserve credit. (Quote Garden, perhaps you might be interested.)
"To err on the side of kindness is seldom an error." -- Liz Armbruster.
"In what you say of another, apply the test of kindness, necessity and truth, and let nothing pass your lips without a 2/3 majority."
-- Liz Armbruster
smiles,
rb
Christina,
You write well, and you have much to say, so don't hesitate on that score. If you intend the book for your family and friends, and you can afford its publication, then by all means go ahead. Beyond that, you might have two goals: to reach a slightly larger audience or to enjoy a commercial success. The first requires that you promote the book yourself -- no publisher you pay will promote it for you --their profits come from your fee, not from the sales of your book. The second -- a commercial success -- requires that you find a publisher who will publish your book at his own cost, even pay you an advance. This publisher will then promote your book.
In sum, be very clear on your goal. If you seek a wide audience, be prepared to literally devote your life to the promotion of your book.
good luck,
rb
Thanks so much for your encouragement above! I wanted to put your quote "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." on the back of my "book" with your permission. Because that truly sums up my book. When I finally get it finished I will e-mail you my book and you can then tell me what you think of it and your advice on whether to publish it commercially or not.
Christina
Bravo! I could not agree more. It is more harmful to be unkind in order to preserve truth than it is to lie in order to be kind. (Did the Bible not mention Rahab lying to the soldiers who were searching for the spies?Joshua 1-6) That story always perplexed me as a child. And I like how you explained about bearing false witness - shows intent. I do not see God as an unkind being as it is said "God is love." The spirit of love tries everything in it's power not to hurt another. I found your site on quotegarden and I am so glad I did. Thank you for being kind and for being a living reminder to others to be kind.
V.V.
V.V.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Please don't think that I offer myself as a model of kindness. I am just as derelict as anyone else when it comes to practicing what I preach.
smiles,
rb
I was so happy to read this post today because like you, I feel that telling a white lie is much kinder to the other person. Brutal honesty has more to do with brutality than honesty.
Lolita
Haloranch,
Your line, "Brutal honesty has more to do with brutality than honesty" is not only a true sentiment but a model of how to express a thought in quotable form. You have a good ear.
smiles,
rb
This is one of my favorite quotes. I try practing kindness everyday, some are harder than others and sometimes I fail. I love reading your quotes and use them often on FB to inspire, and express myself and have found I often have inspired others by passing yours and others quotes along. Thank you very much.
Lisa Stanley
Lisa,
This is one of my favorites, too, and I'm so pleased you like it. The idea that I inspire anyone is pretty overwhelming. Thanks.
smiles,
rb
See, this is EXACTLY the problem with religion and those that use the bible to guide every aspect of their life... Tell me sir, where in the Bible does it say "thou shall not lie except when it may be unkind to others"??? where in the bible has God ever demonstrated that doing what is 'kind' is more important than doing whats right? The book says you shouldn't lie PERIOD. you and many others like yourself have a habit of twisting and contorting the words of the scripture to suit your tastes and fulfill personal agendas...if you chose to lie to save someone's feelings thats fine and dandy, but dont try to justify it with some convoluted explanation of biblical text.
thatdudejude,
Thank you for your gentle response. The commandment says, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." You interpret this to mean "Thou shalt not lie." I interpret it to mean, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." One of us is indeed guilty of "twisting and contorting the words of scripture."
I wonder what "personal agenda" is fulfilled by encouraging people to be kind to their neighbor.
smiles,
rb
you are right sir...the bible doesn't outright state that one shouldn't lie...i was under the misconception that it did. i must have been in a bad mood or an ego-trip when i typed up that last post lol. my apologies for lashing out so strongly. However, i do stand by the notion that lying is almost never beneficial (extreme circumstances/situations aside). If one lies too much, its only inevitable that they begin to mistrust their own selves at some point or another. Furthermore, while lying may spare a persons feelings in the short run, in the long run they may come to resent you for doing so should they find out later, even when you did it solely for their benefit...just ask the parents or friends of one of those 'american idol' hopefuls who went and humiliated themselves on TV b/c they were never told how bad they actually were! Honesty is w/o a doubt a difficult virtue to maintain, but it is always best.
thatdudejude,
We do disagree. But I will not try further to convince you; the passing years will do the job soon enough.
smiles,
rb
and bending the truth is not always a lie
Dear Liz, the quote you mention as attributed to Fred Astaire I have come across in my study of Buddhism. However, since Buddha was a Hindu trying to clean up his own religion (as Christ tried to clean up Judaism), it probably goes back into history much earlier than Buddhism, and could easily have the Vedas as its source. Its wisdom has been a very helpful guide along the way....
we have to be very careful when we say what the truth is, and the way we talk, as you know saying truth is not easy but we have to learn how to do it, always being respectful and kind.
What did you mean exactly by "...for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true."
Joey,
I don't mean to give you a flip answer, but if I knew a way to say it more clearly, I would have said it more clearly.
rb
Joey, have you never been so very sure that something was true, only to find you were wrong? I believe this is what Mr. Brault is getting at; and I also believe we have all done so. I stumbled upon this blog just moments ago; oh so happy I have, so inspiring to the pursuit of "kindness always." :-)
Tammy Lee,
Thanks so much for your comment. I guess I was little short with Joey.
smiles,
rb
I absolutely enjoy myself when reading your thought...so profound yet so basic. Thank you.
Oops....all of your thoughtS...
Angela,
Thanks so much. As a rule, the more basic the thought, the more profound.
Enjoy the little things...this made me realize how I am missing these and need to slow down...to have rich memories this has said it all!!
Memoir Christate,
Thanks for your kind comment. Glad to say something meaningful to you.
smiles,
rb
Doesn't it ever bother you when someone refers to your postings as "quotes", when that is grammatically wrong? "Quotation" is the noun, "quote" is the verb. Pretty common mistake, though.
Bill,
Indeed a common mistake, and in a world where people say "loose" when they mean "lose", I can't get too excited about "quote" vs "quotation." What would actually concern me is if people think my original thoughts are "quotes."
smiles,
rb
Actually, It is "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." Exodus 20:16. NASB "'You shall not steal, nor deal falsely, nor lie to one another." Leviticus 19:11 NASB I could post several other verses regarding the truth.
Just because we have all lied, doesn't make it ok, even for little ones. The ten commandemants shows us how all of us fall short and therefore need God's forgiveness. It doesn't mean you have to be cruel and hurtful with the truth, but speak all in love. We should all be kind, as it is a fruit of the spirit, but that doesn't justify lying. As humans we have an amazing capacity for what we will classify as a white lie.
Jeanine,
The whole point of my argument is that the commandment reads, "Thou shalt not bear false witness AGAINST thy neighbor." Note the word, AGAINST. It says nothing about telling white lies to ease your neighbor's burden in the world. What you label as "an amazing capacity for what we classify as a white lie" is simply kindness and good judgment. It is a God-given capacity, given to us by a merciful God. It is what makes us thoughtful human beings and not robots, controlled by Scripture implants in our brains. rb
First off, I would like to say that for the most part, I really do like your site and ideas. I appreciate your willingness to respond and reason. God doesn’t want robots either! He created us to think and reason. Being kind (to everyone) IS important. Thank you for caring about kindness.
The verse makes a statement about not saying something FALSE. There is a reason so many shorten it "Do not lie." Ultimately, people know we shouldn't lie. If it was ok, why would we try to make sure other's don't find out about our falsehood?
It is possible to tell the truth maliciously, to be hurtful on purpose. That IS unkind. Telling the truth out of love IS for their welfare. Telling the truth with kindness, love, and respect does not have to brutal. It can be and obviously is hard to do at times. Sometimes, it’s not the popular option, and it would really make ourselves feel better to take the easier route and just lie. How often is the lie that helps one, hurts another? Lies rarely stay between just the liar and the one(‘s) being lied to.
Who gets to determine the "shade" of the white lie? It can't be the person being lied to, or they would know you were lying to them. How would they feel then? How do you feel when you discover you’ve been lied to? What kind of lies are ok? Where’s the line? Is that the same line that that person being lied to would choose?
That’s why there is a standard that includes everyone. Do not bear false witness (against your neighbor), Do not lie, Do not lie to each other (I will provide verses if you like, but you don’t need a scripture download to understand it) … It’s stated many times. . Not to contradict information, but to show examples of, that whatever the reason, it’s still not good
What lies have been told to you to help benefit you? In the long run, was there anything better that could have been said or done that would have benefited more?
What lies have you told to help benefit or build up your neighbor? In the long run, was there something better that could have been said or done?
Yes, free will is a gift from God. That doesn't mean everything we do with it is good.
I apologize for this being so long, but truth is a subject very dear to my heart. I’ve been hurt by the truth (who hasn’t?). When the truth has been spoken out of love, I’ve been grateful that someone cared enough for me to take the difficult option, and ultimately help me so much more than a lie could have done.
Thank you for your ideas.
Jeanine, I stated my opinion about all this in my original aphorism -- I know better what is kind than what is true. If you know better what is true, then congratulations, God has surely favored you. rb
I feel fortunate that the truth can be known and that true kindness is such a large part of that truth. God has made the truth available to all who truly seek it. God Bless.
I share this beautiful sentiment which I came across whilst on a FB page. I'm not particularly religious but these words struck a chord in me. Based on my life experiences it is far better to refrain from telling others the harsh truth to spare undue suffering and pain.What you believe to be the truth at this moment could change, it's your perception of what is right to you. If the truth is unavoidable speak gently and with love.Ps I have read your other quotations on your blog and they are just as touching and beautiful
rejia, thank you. You are a person at whose mercy I would gladly place myself.
smiles,
rb
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