How to Walk Down the Street: Tips and Pointers

(Note: Our guest expert today is the eminent Professor of Walking Down the Street Robert Brault, Hig.h, Sch, Ool.d, Rop, Out.)

Reader #1 writes: Dear Professor Brault: Sometimes, while walking down the street, I get a pebble in my shoe, causing irritation under my sole or heel. The discomfort is not enough to make me stop and remove the pebble, so I continue along, my walk ruined. What should I do?

Professor Brault answers: This is a common problem. Do this: walk several paces on the side of your foot, working the pebble down under your arch. This will relieve pressure under the sole or heel while causing an excruciating pain under the arch. This should make you want to stop and remove the pebble.


Reader#2 writes: Dear Professor Brault: While walking, I suddenly found it difficult to lift my left leg. It seemed stuck to the sidewalk. Is this something you have encountered in your studies of walking down the street?

Professor Brault answers: You most likely stepped on a wad of chewing gum. Wherever children walk, chewing gum is likely to be strewn about on account of it's lost its flavor. Do this: Look for a discarded popsicle stick that you can use to scrape off the gum. After you pick up the stick, examine it carefully. Is it orange-colored, or grape-colored or more rust-colored? If rust-colored, it may be root beer or it may be hundreds of tiny rust-colored ants -- the kind that crawl all over popsicle sticks. That would explain the tickling sensation you're beginning to feel all over your body. Never pick up a rust-colored popsicle stick, I should have told you. Quickly scrape the gum off your shoe and call Orkin.


Today's Bonus Section: Two Cheery Thoughts

Cheery Thought #1

There is a saying among lobsters: Life is hell, then you're boiled alive. But, see, you are not a lobster.


Cheery Thought #2:

You have lived an imperfect life and fear eternal damnation. Yes, but eternal damnation is a theory largely discarded by theologians. It is now believed that an imperfect life results only in your being reincarnated as a large cold-water shellfish.


-- Robert Brault