The Family Dictionary: Selected Entries

Friends: people who disagree without being disagreeable.
Family: people who disagree for the purpose of being disagreeable.


Family: people who stick essentially the same nose into each other's business.


Cousin: someone you see twice a year, the second time to return their dish.


Sibling: someone you have nothing in common with, frequently mistaken for you.


Family Friend: someone who, as a kid, you never knew who they were except they always brought the macaroni casserole.


Your Own Apartment: a place where you can be sick in the bathroom at 1 AM without your mother knocking at the door and asking if you're all right.


Inlaws: people with a common low regard for your spouse's judgment.


Spouse (female): someone who, before every wedding and funeral, reminds you of how you're related to your own second cousins.


Second Cousins (male): two men who meet at weddings and funerals who never remember how their wives said they were related.


Rule of Relatives: the more distant the relative, the longer the Christmas card describing what their family has been doing all year.


Great Uncle: someone at whose wake you know you're too close to the casket if strangers keep telling you they're sorry for your loss.


~ Robert Brault