"A eulogy is where you're actually dead and rumors of your life are greatly exaggerated."
"The only standard of perfection most of us insist upon is the one our parents fell short of."
"Like it or not, people judge us by first impression -- the better our first impression of them, the better they judge us."
"When a country is headed for wrack and ruin, wrack is often mistaken for a recovery."
"I don't usually make a bad first impression, but I make a lot of good first impressions that nobody notices."
"You don't realize how little accuracy there is in network TV reporting until they cover a story in your hometown."
"For centuries, man believed that the sun revolves around the earth. Centuries later, he still thinks that time moves clockwise."
"Getting someone to like you is not hard. It is either easy or impossible."
"Parenting is a stage of life's journey where the milestones come about every fifty feet."
"One suspects that man will still be pondering God as First Cause on the day He appears as Last Effect."
"My only New Year's resolution this year will be to skip the hog jowls and just have the black-eyed peas."
A holiday cocktail party is where --
-- every year you have the same conversation with the same people about who you both still are.
-- some stranger will learn more about you in an hour than your spouse has learned in a lifetime.
-- you will always be sorry you wrote anything on a napkin.
-- the host and hostess attempt to bring compatible people together by separating married couples.
-- there is a rotation that brings married couples back together every twenty minutes.
-- nobody knows it was this late until the first couple leaves.
~ Robert Brault