"There is nothing we want so much that gives us a bellyful faster than peace and quiet."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
With Apologies to Andy Rooney
I wrote this piece a number of years ago in deliberate imitation of Andy Rooney. I should note that it was before the age of digital photography.
My wife and I have just returned from a family vacation, and we have some wonderful photos.
Actually, the ones of me are awful, but the ones of everyone else are great. My wife says that the ones of her are awful, but the ones of me are great. Her mother, who vacationed with us, called up to say that she has some great photos – except for the ones of her, which are awful. Our daughter called to say that she has scissored herself out of all her photos. They’re awful, she says -- but she has some great ones of the rest of us.
It’s funny how everyone thinks the photos of themselves are awful, and the photos of everyone else are great. It’s probably because we think we look so goofy in the photos, when to everyone else, that’s the way we always look.
That’s the thing about vacation photos – everyone looks just the way they always do, except you. You look like someone who got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and wandered into the photograph.
How many times have you looked at a photo of yourself, thinking you might slip it under the couch cushion, when someone looks over your shoulder and says, “That’s great of you.” That’s what people do – they look at a photo of you that might have been taken by the coroner’s office, and say, “You look good in that.” Makes you want to find a really rotten photo of them and say, "That is sooooo good of you." But you can't find a rotten photo of them. They all look great.
Personally, I have this thing in group photos where I’m the only one saying cheese. Everyone else has a broad happy smile on their face, or else they’re poking each other and giggling, or mugging for the camera. And I’m standing there saying cheese.
Our neighbors just vacationed with their kids, and they have some great photos. There’s one of their 5-year old standing on the beach, next to a giant sand castle, looking proud as can be. I said to him, “That’s a great photo of you.” He looked at the photo and screwed up his face like you wouldn’t believe. “That is actually sick,” he said.
-- Robert Brault
My wife and I have just returned from a family vacation, and we have some wonderful photos.
Actually, the ones of me are awful, but the ones of everyone else are great. My wife says that the ones of her are awful, but the ones of me are great. Her mother, who vacationed with us, called up to say that she has some great photos – except for the ones of her, which are awful. Our daughter called to say that she has scissored herself out of all her photos. They’re awful, she says -- but she has some great ones of the rest of us.
It’s funny how everyone thinks the photos of themselves are awful, and the photos of everyone else are great. It’s probably because we think we look so goofy in the photos, when to everyone else, that’s the way we always look.
That’s the thing about vacation photos – everyone looks just the way they always do, except you. You look like someone who got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and wandered into the photograph.
How many times have you looked at a photo of yourself, thinking you might slip it under the couch cushion, when someone looks over your shoulder and says, “That’s great of you.” That’s what people do – they look at a photo of you that might have been taken by the coroner’s office, and say, “You look good in that.” Makes you want to find a really rotten photo of them and say, "That is sooooo good of you." But you can't find a rotten photo of them. They all look great.
Personally, I have this thing in group photos where I’m the only one saying cheese. Everyone else has a broad happy smile on their face, or else they’re poking each other and giggling, or mugging for the camera. And I’m standing there saying cheese.
Our neighbors just vacationed with their kids, and they have some great photos. There’s one of their 5-year old standing on the beach, next to a giant sand castle, looking proud as can be. I said to him, “That’s a great photo of you.” He looked at the photo and screwed up his face like you wouldn’t believe. “That is actually sick,” he said.
-- Robert Brault
A Thought for Today
"We labor to make a house a home, then every time we're expecting visitors, we rush to turn it back into a house."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A Thought for Today
"In these days of shaken trust, it's great to have a dog. For one thing, you can be reasonably sure he's not running a Ponzi scheme."
-- Robert Brault
-- Robert Brault
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
A Few New Thoughts
"If we do not feel a bond with the animals who share with us this moment in eternity, we do not comprehend eternity."
"No one knows exactly how many recipes for happiness there are, but it's got to be right up there with shepherd's pie."
"To be happy knowing that we could be happier, that is the whole trick."
"Whether you shelter a happy child, a contented pet or a thriving plant, you make a home."
"Two things are owed to truthfulness: lasting marriages and short friendships."
-- Robert Brault
"No one knows exactly how many recipes for happiness there are, but it's got to be right up there with shepherd's pie."
"To be happy knowing that we could be happier, that is the whole trick."
"Whether you shelter a happy child, a contented pet or a thriving plant, you make a home."
"Two things are owed to truthfulness: lasting marriages and short friendships."
-- Robert Brault
A Thought for Today
"There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment."
-- Robert Brault in The Painter's Keys
-- Robert Brault in The Painter's Keys
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thoughts Inspired By Friends
"Through the blackest night, morning gently tiptoes, feeling its way to dawn."
-- Robert Brault (a thought after reading Mattie Elliott's Spring Aside)
"Too often, in our pursuit of happiness, we pursue what is already in our reach, reaching for what is already in our grasp."
-- Robert Brault (a thought after reading Nina Baldwin's The Magic of Delight)
-- Robert Brault (a thought after reading Mattie Elliott's Spring Aside)
"Too often, in our pursuit of happiness, we pursue what is already in our reach, reaching for what is already in our grasp."
-- Robert Brault (a thought after reading Nina Baldwin's The Magic of Delight)
A Thought for Today
Of childbirth, a maternity nurse was heard to say, "It's a feat of magic I've seen a thousand times, and I still don't know the trick."
-- Robert Brault
-- Robert Brault
Monday, March 23, 2009
Okay, so why isn't this funny?
I have published several hundred jokes and anecdotes in my life, but this one never made it. It remains a personal favorite, and I offer it here.
When compiling his great dictionary, the young Noah Webster travels to the Himalayas, where he climbs to the cave of the world's wisest man. "O, great sage," he says, "tell me the meaning of life."
The sage sits Noah at his feet and, with great solemnity, commences to unfold the meaning of life. When finished, he places a hand on the young man's shoulder and says, "Do you have any other questions, my son?"
Noah flips a page in his notebook and says,"You wouldn't know the meaning of lift, would you?"
-- Robert Brault
When compiling his great dictionary, the young Noah Webster travels to the Himalayas, where he climbs to the cave of the world's wisest man. "O, great sage," he says, "tell me the meaning of life."
The sage sits Noah at his feet and, with great solemnity, commences to unfold the meaning of life. When finished, he places a hand on the young man's shoulder and says, "Do you have any other questions, my son?"
Noah flips a page in his notebook and says,"You wouldn't know the meaning of lift, would you?"
-- Robert Brault
A Thought For Today
"Every great artist raises art to a science, and every great scientist raises science to an art, hence we have Michelangelo's David and Einstein's Theory of Relativity."
-- Robert Brault
-- Robert Brault
Sunday, March 22, 2009
A Thought For Today
"Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire."
-- Robert Brault in The Quote Garden
-- Robert Brault in The Quote Garden
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A Thought for Today
"Nature decrees that we do not exceed the speed of light. All other impossibilities are optional."
-- Robert Brault in The Quote Garden
-- Robert Brault in The Quote Garden
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Thought for Today
"An old belief is like an old shoe. We so value its comfort that we fail to notice the hole in it."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Let Me Speak to the EyePerson, Please
I was thumbing through the Yellow Pages the other day, trying to find someone to replace a cracked lens in my eyeglasses. There didn't seem to be anyone. "Darn phone book," I remarked to my wife. "Town this size, and you can't find one optimist."
Joan laughed. "You don't want an optimist, silly, you want an optician -- unless you're thinking of getting rose-colored glasses."
"Yes, well, you'd think they'd have a cross-reference." I flipped a page and located "opticians," sandwiched between "ophthalmologists" and "optometrists." Without my glasses, I had to squint just to make out the headings. Leave it to the phone company not to print eyeglass listings in extra-large type.
"Are you sure I want an optician?" I asked Joan. "What about one of these other fellows -- an optometrist or an ophta...ophmatologist?"
"Ophthalmologist. No, you want an optician," Joan said.
She sounded confident, so I dialed an optician. "How long to replace a cracked lens," I inquired.
"Two hours," a voice answered. "Maybe less. I'm an optimist."
-- Robert Brault in Ford Times, reprinted in Reader's Digest
Joan laughed. "You don't want an optimist, silly, you want an optician -- unless you're thinking of getting rose-colored glasses."
"Yes, well, you'd think they'd have a cross-reference." I flipped a page and located "opticians," sandwiched between "ophthalmologists" and "optometrists." Without my glasses, I had to squint just to make out the headings. Leave it to the phone company not to print eyeglass listings in extra-large type.
"Are you sure I want an optician?" I asked Joan. "What about one of these other fellows -- an optometrist or an ophta...ophmatologist?"
"Ophthalmologist. No, you want an optician," Joan said.
She sounded confident, so I dialed an optician. "How long to replace a cracked lens," I inquired.
"Two hours," a voice answered. "Maybe less. I'm an optimist."
-- Robert Brault in Ford Times, reprinted in Reader's Digest
Oft-Quoted Quotes
"Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar."
"Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true."
"Count no day lost in which you waited your turn, took only your share and sought advantage over no one."
"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer, all reprinted in Reader's Digest
"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar."
"Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true."
"Count no day lost in which you waited your turn, took only your share and sought advantage over no one."
"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer, all reprinted in Reader's Digest
A Thought for Today
"When our only goal is to achieve security, there are two things we are unlikely to achieve: (1) security; (2) anything else."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Thought for Today
"There is no presence in nature that an animal does not sense. If God is present in nature, we might expect to see it in an animal's eyes, in a look of hopefulness otherwise inexplicable. And that is exactly what we see."
-- Robert Brault
-- Robert Brault
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
You Fooled Me, Uncle Wiggily
Not long ago I attended a wedding at the little church in the center of our town. A young lady I’m closely acquainted with married a fine young man. I had the privilege, in fact, of giving her away.
As we stood together in the aisle, I thought back to earlier days, when I had sat in the big armchair in our living room, that same young lady on my lap, and had read to her from her favorite book, The Adventures of Uncle Wiggily.
At least I think of it as her favorite. She was certainly into Dr. Seuss, and she would listen to Mary Stolz’s Belling of the Tiger as often as I’d consent to read it. But there was something about the Uncle Wiggily stories that fascinated her especially. Maybe it was the relish I took in reading them, for they were the same stories in the same big red book that I had grown up with years before.
Do you remember the Uncle Wiggily stories? They were about a kindly rabbit gentleman and his little animal friends, and how the most harmless, everyday events in their lives would lead to the most curious adventures.
As intriguing as were the stories themselves, I think the little girl on my knee looked forward most to the postscript the author would tag to each one. He would say something like, “And unless the salt shaker and the sugar bowl run off together to Timbuktu, I will tell you next time about Uncle Wiggily and the Littletails."
What a delighted giggle those words would bring. I think, in their outrageous silliness, they reassured her. There would always be, after all, another Uncle Wiggily story, always, most certainly, a next time, for everyone knows that salt shakers and sugar bowls do not run off to Timbuktu.
And what pleasure I took in reciting the words. The author’s preposterous caveat I’d always deliver with the raised eyebrow it deserved. For a while we played out a little ritual. I would pause in mid-sentence, after the opening absurdity, and the two of us would say together (she in the biggest, loudest voice she could muster), “NOT VERY LIKELY, IF YOU ASK ME!”
And the author’s promise of another story I would always recite with conviction. From the tone of her dad’s voice, the little girl could never have doubted there would be one.
That assuring note came easily, for I never doubted, either. She seemed so little. Surely there would be many Uncle Wiggily stories to come.
There came a day when she was too big for my lap, but I had only to glance at the rapt young listener, seated on the carpet by the armchair, to know that she was still, after all, a little girl.
I cannot tell you how the last Uncle Wiggily story came to be. Standing in the church aisle, a radiant young woman on my arm, I could not remember an evening when, closing the big red book, we knew there would be no more. Always, in the author’s postscript, had I heard the promise. Never, in the absurd condition attached to it, had I guessed the prophecy.
When it happens, you are not aware. A young lady goes off to bed, and you tuck her in as you always do, and you go off, confident that she is still your little girl. How silly it would be, how preposterous and absurd, to think that anything could ever happen to change that.
And while you sleep, the salt shaker and the sugar bowl rendezvous, and together, silently, they steal away to Timbuktu.
-- Robert Brault in Northeast (The Hartford Courant Sunday Magazine)
As we stood together in the aisle, I thought back to earlier days, when I had sat in the big armchair in our living room, that same young lady on my lap, and had read to her from her favorite book, The Adventures of Uncle Wiggily.
At least I think of it as her favorite. She was certainly into Dr. Seuss, and she would listen to Mary Stolz’s Belling of the Tiger as often as I’d consent to read it. But there was something about the Uncle Wiggily stories that fascinated her especially. Maybe it was the relish I took in reading them, for they were the same stories in the same big red book that I had grown up with years before.
Do you remember the Uncle Wiggily stories? They were about a kindly rabbit gentleman and his little animal friends, and how the most harmless, everyday events in their lives would lead to the most curious adventures.
As intriguing as were the stories themselves, I think the little girl on my knee looked forward most to the postscript the author would tag to each one. He would say something like, “And unless the salt shaker and the sugar bowl run off together to Timbuktu, I will tell you next time about Uncle Wiggily and the Littletails."
What a delighted giggle those words would bring. I think, in their outrageous silliness, they reassured her. There would always be, after all, another Uncle Wiggily story, always, most certainly, a next time, for everyone knows that salt shakers and sugar bowls do not run off to Timbuktu.
And what pleasure I took in reciting the words. The author’s preposterous caveat I’d always deliver with the raised eyebrow it deserved. For a while we played out a little ritual. I would pause in mid-sentence, after the opening absurdity, and the two of us would say together (she in the biggest, loudest voice she could muster), “NOT VERY LIKELY, IF YOU ASK ME!”
And the author’s promise of another story I would always recite with conviction. From the tone of her dad’s voice, the little girl could never have doubted there would be one.
That assuring note came easily, for I never doubted, either. She seemed so little. Surely there would be many Uncle Wiggily stories to come.
There came a day when she was too big for my lap, but I had only to glance at the rapt young listener, seated on the carpet by the armchair, to know that she was still, after all, a little girl.
I cannot tell you how the last Uncle Wiggily story came to be. Standing in the church aisle, a radiant young woman on my arm, I could not remember an evening when, closing the big red book, we knew there would be no more. Always, in the author’s postscript, had I heard the promise. Never, in the absurd condition attached to it, had I guessed the prophecy.
When it happens, you are not aware. A young lady goes off to bed, and you tuck her in as you always do, and you go off, confident that she is still your little girl. How silly it would be, how preposterous and absurd, to think that anything could ever happen to change that.
And while you sleep, the salt shaker and the sugar bowl rendezvous, and together, silently, they steal away to Timbuktu.
-- Robert Brault in Northeast (The Hartford Courant Sunday Magazine)
A Thought for Today
"If you search the world for happiness, you may find it in the end, for the world is round and will lead you back to your door."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Monday, March 16, 2009
A Thought for Today
"Life is a quest for a fondly-imagined leisure which, when achieved, is spent fondly recalling the quest."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Love vs. Friendship
Love demands, Friendship asks.
Love drains, Friendship refreshes.
Love is jealous, Friendship is broadminded.
Love constrains, Friendship frees.
Love wants more, Friendship takes what it gets.
Love sits by your bedside through
the long night of illness.
Friendship pops in for a visit.
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Love drains, Friendship refreshes.
Love is jealous, Friendship is broadminded.
Love constrains, Friendship frees.
Love wants more, Friendship takes what it gets.
Love sits by your bedside through
the long night of illness.
Friendship pops in for a visit.
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
A Thought for Today
"Looking back, you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life, and that person was you. It is not too late to become that person again." Robert Brault
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A Thought for Today
"I believe in animal rights, and high among them is the right to the gentle stroke of a human hand." Robert Brault
Friday, March 13, 2009
A Thought for Today
"We all have our limitations, but when we listen to our critics, we also have theirs."
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
-- Robert Brault in National Enquirer
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Verse on the Loss of a Child
JESSIE’S PIECE
The world’s a jigsaw, once I thought,
With each of us a piece to fit,
A predetermined Grand Design
And each of us a part of it.
I thought that God must surely have
A blueprint of His final goal,
And all who come into this life
Are meant to play some fated role.
But when my little Jessie died,
It seemed to me but sheer caprice.
Where fits a child in God’s design
Who never lived to add her piece?
How often did I walk alone
To still the anguish in my heart,
To ask why God would make a plan
In which my child had no part.
One day, upon a village square,
I happened by a tiny shop.
What random step had led me there?
What in the window made me stop?
It was a quilt, a crazy quilt,
Each piece a brightly-colored patch,
A joyful, glowing work of art
From scraps you’d think would never match.
I looked upon the quilt in awe
To think a thing so oddly fine
Was stitched from fragments never made
To fit to anyone’s design.
I wondered then if God might wish
That in this way His world be built,
Each life a motley-colored scrap,
And He the weaver of the quilt.
If such be true, I realize,
My child’s life, though short it be,
Is yet a joyful, shining patch
In God’s eternal tapestry.
I looked upon the quilt and saw
A patch that seemed but sheer caprice,
So whimsical it made me smile.
I knew it was my Jessie's piece.
--by Robert Brault
The world’s a jigsaw, once I thought,
With each of us a piece to fit,
A predetermined Grand Design
And each of us a part of it.
I thought that God must surely have
A blueprint of His final goal,
And all who come into this life
Are meant to play some fated role.
But when my little Jessie died,
It seemed to me but sheer caprice.
Where fits a child in God’s design
Who never lived to add her piece?
How often did I walk alone
To still the anguish in my heart,
To ask why God would make a plan
In which my child had no part.
One day, upon a village square,
I happened by a tiny shop.
What random step had led me there?
What in the window made me stop?
It was a quilt, a crazy quilt,
Each piece a brightly-colored patch,
A joyful, glowing work of art
From scraps you’d think would never match.
I looked upon the quilt in awe
To think a thing so oddly fine
Was stitched from fragments never made
To fit to anyone’s design.
I wondered then if God might wish
That in this way His world be built,
Each life a motley-colored scrap,
And He the weaver of the quilt.
If such be true, I realize,
My child’s life, though short it be,
Is yet a joyful, shining patch
In God’s eternal tapestry.
I looked upon the quilt and saw
A patch that seemed but sheer caprice,
So whimsical it made me smile.
I knew it was my Jessie's piece.
--by Robert Brault
A Thought for Today
"It always seems too late to do what we most wish to do -- until we realize that there is not enough time left to do anything else." Robert Brault
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Thought for Today
"Cast a glance into the shadows of your life and you will find there a person who has earned your love but never received it. Might you find a moment today to offer a gesture of love to that person?" Robert Brault
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A Thought for Today
"There is no virtue in the relationship between man and dog that does not originate in the dog." Robert Brault
Monday, March 9, 2009
A Thought for Today
"There is a purpose to our lives that each day tugs at our sleeve as an annoying distraction." Robert Brault
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A Thought for Today
"There is in all animals a sense of duty that man condescends to call instinct." Robert Brault
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