Send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. ~ John Donne
First, the bell tolled for the King of Sidekicks,
and it tolled for a perfect pace,
And then the bell tolled for a TV Angel,
and it tolled for a heavenly face,
And then the bell tolled for the King of Pop,
and it tolled for an elegant grace,
And now the bell tolls for the lowly pitchman,
and it tolls for the human race.
-- Robert Brault
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Six Definitions of an Optimist
Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.
Optimist: someone who believes that after the fat lady sings, the dead lovers do an encore duet.
Optimist: someone who notices a tall hooded figure with a scythe trailing him and thinks, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not a stalk of wheat."
Optimist: someone who thinks there's even hope for pessimism.
Optimist: someone who believes that even a second chance gets a second chance.
Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.
Optimist: someone who believes that after the fat lady sings, the dead lovers do an encore duet.
Optimist: someone who notices a tall hooded figure with a scythe trailing him and thinks, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not a stalk of wheat."
Optimist: someone who thinks there's even hope for pessimism.
Optimist: someone who believes that even a second chance gets a second chance.
Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thoughts on Life, Happiness and Kids
"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives."
"We give our children happiness that we might witness their capacity for it."
"It is a requirement of happiness that it have no foreseeable end. It comes upon us in a moment so perfect in the present that it overwhelms our sense of the future and suspends us in time."
"What a snapshot is to our lives, our lives are to eternity, and just as we capture in a snapshot a face forever smiling, we can capture in our lives a light forever shining."
"By the time a child acquires the ability to reason, he has become totally acquainted with the benefits of not doing so."
"The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher."
"I don't know that a mom counts her chickens before they're hatched, but I know that long after they're hatched, she lies awake every night, counting them one by one as she hears them at the door latch."
"The backyard clamor became so great that we packed all four kids off to camp -- before we remembered we only have three kids."
-- Robert Brault
"We give our children happiness that we might witness their capacity for it."
"It is a requirement of happiness that it have no foreseeable end. It comes upon us in a moment so perfect in the present that it overwhelms our sense of the future and suspends us in time."
"What a snapshot is to our lives, our lives are to eternity, and just as we capture in a snapshot a face forever smiling, we can capture in our lives a light forever shining."
"By the time a child acquires the ability to reason, he has become totally acquainted with the benefits of not doing so."
"The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher."
"I don't know that a mom counts her chickens before they're hatched, but I know that long after they're hatched, she lies awake every night, counting them one by one as she hears them at the door latch."
"The backyard clamor became so great that we packed all four kids off to camp -- before we remembered we only have three kids."
-- Robert Brault
Thursday, June 25, 2009
How to Speed Read: A Bit of Nonsense
If you are only now reading this sentence, you are not a speed-reader. A speed-reader has already finished this blog and gone to lunch. Whereas you are only here. And now you're here.
Your problem is, you haven't learned to skip useless information, such as a whale may be rendered harmless by holding its tail fin out of water. There you go again.
You may ask: How do I know that useless information is useless before I read it? Silly, useless information is useless all the time -- before you read it, after you read it, whenever. Speed-readers know this.
One thing speed-readers do is read the last sentence first. If it makes sense, there's no need to read everything that led up to it. If it doesn't make sense, you have saved yourself reading something that comes down to a sentence that doesn't make sense.
Another thing speed-readers do is skip redundant words. Much of what you read is redundant, Not only that, it's repetitive. This was observed years ago by the late, great Victor Borge in analyzing the nursery rhyme, Little Bo Peep.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
Leave them alone, and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them.
Now, if Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, then of course she doesn't know where to find them. And if she doesn't know where to find them, she can't do anything but leave them alone. And what else do sheep wag but their tails and where else but behind them? So a trained speed-reader would breeze through read this rhyme as follows.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.
They'll come home, wagging.
Now, for practice, go back to the top of this blog and read it the way a speed-reader would, skipping everything that is useless and redundant.
That should bring you to here.
Actually, you should already be at lunch.
-- Robert Brault
Your problem is, you haven't learned to skip useless information, such as a whale may be rendered harmless by holding its tail fin out of water. There you go again.
You may ask: How do I know that useless information is useless before I read it? Silly, useless information is useless all the time -- before you read it, after you read it, whenever. Speed-readers know this.
One thing speed-readers do is read the last sentence first. If it makes sense, there's no need to read everything that led up to it. If it doesn't make sense, you have saved yourself reading something that comes down to a sentence that doesn't make sense.
Another thing speed-readers do is skip redundant words. Much of what you read is redundant, Not only that, it's repetitive. This was observed years ago by the late, great Victor Borge in analyzing the nursery rhyme, Little Bo Peep.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
Leave them alone, and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them.
Now, if Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, then of course she doesn't know where to find them. And if she doesn't know where to find them, she can't do anything but leave them alone. And what else do sheep wag but their tails and where else but behind them? So a trained speed-reader would breeze through read this rhyme as follows.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.
They'll come home, wagging.
Now, for practice, go back to the top of this blog and read it the way a speed-reader would, skipping everything that is useless and redundant.
That should bring you to here.
Actually, you should already be at lunch.
-- Robert Brault
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
More Thoughts of a Wandering Mind
"You wonder what the world would be like if Christianity were ever practiced in the spirit of Christianity and if fairness were ever applied fairly."
"The world knows how to straighten out a spoiled child, but it is not in the business of making it up to a child deprived."
Parents: a pair of optimists who, presented with a package of non-negotiable demands, greet it as a bundle of joy."
"U.S. Internal Revenue Service: an agency modeled after the revenue raising concepts of the 19th century economist, Jesse James."
"Socialists rarely apply fairness fairly, for when they do, it results in an unequal distribution of wealth."
"Federal Reserve System: a means by which the same money you have in the bank can be counterfeited in any amount."
"How will the U.S. repay its one trillion dollar debt to China? It will rob Peter to pay Cheng."
-- Robert Brault
"The world knows how to straighten out a spoiled child, but it is not in the business of making it up to a child deprived."
Parents: a pair of optimists who, presented with a package of non-negotiable demands, greet it as a bundle of joy."
"U.S. Internal Revenue Service: an agency modeled after the revenue raising concepts of the 19th century economist, Jesse James."
"Socialists rarely apply fairness fairly, for when they do, it results in an unequal distribution of wealth."
"Federal Reserve System: a means by which the same money you have in the bank can be counterfeited in any amount."
"How will the U.S. repay its one trillion dollar debt to China? It will rob Peter to pay Cheng."
-- Robert Brault
Monday, June 22, 2009
More Thoughts on Finding Opportunity
"What you find in life is that the undoable seldom has to be done."
"As you seek new opportunity, keep in mind that the sun does not usually reappear on the horizon where last seen."
"There is always opportunity. Equal fortunes await the doer, the undoer and the redoer."
"A task may be difficult, but you have the advantage over it, for you can redouble your effort, but the task cannot redouble its difficulty."
"There are times when a willingness to change tactic has an advantage over persistency, as with persistent attempts to feed a baby through its ear."
As you check the want ads and see a hundred jobs you're unqualified for, remember that you are looking at a wish list. What you are actually seeing are a hundred needs, each to be eventually met by a more or less "unqualified" person that might as well be you.
As a job applicant, there are two things you must ask of the interviewer. You must ask for a precise description of the result wanted from the job, not the skill set required to do it but the tangible deliverable desired. Then you must ask for the interviewer's attention as you describe the path to that result that begins in the chair you're sitting in, showing how along that path you, yourself, will identify the skills required and acquire them as needed.
-- Robert Brault
"As you seek new opportunity, keep in mind that the sun does not usually reappear on the horizon where last seen."
"There is always opportunity. Equal fortunes await the doer, the undoer and the redoer."
"A task may be difficult, but you have the advantage over it, for you can redouble your effort, but the task cannot redouble its difficulty."
"There are times when a willingness to change tactic has an advantage over persistency, as with persistent attempts to feed a baby through its ear."
As you check the want ads and see a hundred jobs you're unqualified for, remember that you are looking at a wish list. What you are actually seeing are a hundred needs, each to be eventually met by a more or less "unqualified" person that might as well be you.
As a job applicant, there are two things you must ask of the interviewer. You must ask for a precise description of the result wanted from the job, not the skill set required to do it but the tangible deliverable desired. Then you must ask for the interviewer's attention as you describe the path to that result that begins in the chair you're sitting in, showing how along that path you, yourself, will identify the skills required and acquire them as needed.
-- Robert Brault
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Enough Robert Brault Quotes To Make You Ill
A week ago, I noticed a list of "45 Life's Lessons" posted by Daisy at her site Answer Starts With You. They're attributed to a 90-year-old newspaper columnist in Cleveland.
Well, reading the list, I felt challenged, especially since the thoughts are so darn good. So I left Daisy a comment, saying that I would come up with my own list of 46 brand-new thoughts by the end of that day. In poker terms, I proposed to "see" her list and "raise" her one. This I did, drawing on the hundreds of thought ideas in my work file. I posted this as a comment to her site.
Anyone with a lazy Saturday on their hands might consider clicking the link below. Be prepared to encounter 91 deep thoughts, any one of which might change your life. Of course, you could always skip the original list and go straight to mine in the comments (but I would never suggest such a thing.)
Answer Starts With You
Well, reading the list, I felt challenged, especially since the thoughts are so darn good. So I left Daisy a comment, saying that I would come up with my own list of 46 brand-new thoughts by the end of that day. In poker terms, I proposed to "see" her list and "raise" her one. This I did, drawing on the hundreds of thought ideas in my work file. I posted this as a comment to her site.
Anyone with a lazy Saturday on their hands might consider clicking the link below. Be prepared to encounter 91 deep thoughts, any one of which might change your life. Of course, you could always skip the original list and go straight to mine in the comments (but I would never suggest such a thing.)
Answer Starts With You
Friday, June 19, 2009
Father's Day Thoughts
"I owe my work ethic to my father, who never taught me how to fish."
"For a man, there is no territory more virgin and uncharted than becoming older than your father ever was."
"On the day a boy realizes that he's big enough to take on his dad, he also realizes that he never will."
"Many a north country boy of my generation knows of a snapshot of himself as a tyke, seated with his father on a sled atop some snowy hill. He looks at this photo and realizes -- it's the only proof he has of ever being held in his father's arms."
"On the day my father sat me down to talk about the birds and the bees, we talked about the Red Sox game that day, and that was all he ever said to me on the subject of sex."
"A good father is too occupied being a father to worry about being a father figure."
"Your son is wary of accepting you as a playmate, knowing that you will become a father again the first time things don't go your way."
"You will find that if you really try to be a father, your child will meet you halfway."
"Your son will put up with your trying to be his pal if, when he needs a father, you will try to be his father."
"No man is adequate to the task of leading his nation, but if he is a father, he at least has experience in being inadequate to a task."
-- Robert Brault
"For a man, there is no territory more virgin and uncharted than becoming older than your father ever was."
"On the day a boy realizes that he's big enough to take on his dad, he also realizes that he never will."
"Many a north country boy of my generation knows of a snapshot of himself as a tyke, seated with his father on a sled atop some snowy hill. He looks at this photo and realizes -- it's the only proof he has of ever being held in his father's arms."
"On the day my father sat me down to talk about the birds and the bees, we talked about the Red Sox game that day, and that was all he ever said to me on the subject of sex."
"A good father is too occupied being a father to worry about being a father figure."
"Your son is wary of accepting you as a playmate, knowing that you will become a father again the first time things don't go your way."
"You will find that if you really try to be a father, your child will meet you halfway."
"Your son will put up with your trying to be his pal if, when he needs a father, you will try to be his father."
"No man is adequate to the task of leading his nation, but if he is a father, he at least has experience in being inadequate to a task."
-- Robert Brault
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Nod to Ken Devine
Hadn't intended to post today, but I'd like to share something I just ran across in my visits to the blogs of friends.
Ken Devine is a Brit, a resident of Newark-on-Trent, who is in the process of relocating to Brittany in France. He writes a daily blog, intended chiefly as a family journal, but wonderfully entertaining in its human insights and social commentary. He is a regular visitor here and mentioned the other day that he does some painting. Well, he sure does! I'd like to encourage all to take a look at the following: Voila!
Royal Academy in "Ken Devine... a day at a time"
Ken Devine is a Brit, a resident of Newark-on-Trent, who is in the process of relocating to Brittany in France. He writes a daily blog, intended chiefly as a family journal, but wonderfully entertaining in its human insights and social commentary. He is a regular visitor here and mentioned the other day that he does some painting. Well, he sure does! I'd like to encourage all to take a look at the following: Voila!
Royal Academy in "Ken Devine... a day at a time"
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thoughts on Conscience and Right Conduct
"In the end, the meaning of our lives resides in the conscience of our children."
"Conscience is less an inner voice than the memory of a mother's glance."
"One's conscience should never be apprised of one's property holdings."
"There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point,we have to take sides."
" The faithful believe that God speaks to us through our conscience. The skeptic believes that our conscience speaks to us through God. But both believe in a conscience."
"As among God, country and apple pie, the least evil has been done in the name of apple pie."
-- Robert Brault
"Conscience is less an inner voice than the memory of a mother's glance."
"One's conscience should never be apprised of one's property holdings."
"There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point,we have to take sides."
" The faithful believe that God speaks to us through our conscience. The skeptic believes that our conscience speaks to us through God. But both believe in a conscience."
"As among God, country and apple pie, the least evil has been done in the name of apple pie."
-- Robert Brault
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday's Child
"Monday's child is fair of face"
She cradled in her soft embrace
her Monday's child, fair of face,
a winsome brown-eyed baby boy,
in all her life no greater joy.
She watched him grow, a handsome lad,
so much the image of his dad
that neighbors called him little Bill,
but he, he could not wait until --
-- the day he turned a bare eighteen
to don his nation's army green
and follow his commander's voice,
to fight the latest war of choice.
They brought him home, his face disguised.
To glance beneath was not advised.
She smothered in a last embrace
her Monday's child, fair of face.
-- Robert Brault
She cradled in her soft embrace
her Monday's child, fair of face,
a winsome brown-eyed baby boy,
in all her life no greater joy.
She watched him grow, a handsome lad,
so much the image of his dad
that neighbors called him little Bill,
but he, he could not wait until --
-- the day he turned a bare eighteen
to don his nation's army green
and follow his commander's voice,
to fight the latest war of choice.
They brought him home, his face disguised.
To glance beneath was not advised.
She smothered in a last embrace
her Monday's child, fair of face.
-- Robert Brault
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thoughts on Optimism and Whatever
"We all play the starring role in our own life story, except for married men, who play the husband."
"Most pessimists would be optimists if it weren't for the rise-and-shine requirement."
"Optimism is to the human spirit what garlic is to the human body -- a cure for just about everything."
"The pessimist observes the optimist and thinks, 'All that happiness for nothing.'"
"Depression: a condition that ends the moment you realize it will."
"As I said to my therapist, if I'm not just a big fat zero, explain the ring around my bathtub."
"They way I look at it, seeing yourself only as a statistic is better than having no self-identity at all."
In the interest of political correctness, I loaded a version of the Bible in my editor and replaced all occurences of the word "man" with "person." So now, would you believe it, theres a verse in Exodus where razor blades rain from the sky. It's Personna from heaven.
-- Robert Brault
"Most pessimists would be optimists if it weren't for the rise-and-shine requirement."
"Optimism is to the human spirit what garlic is to the human body -- a cure for just about everything."
"The pessimist observes the optimist and thinks, 'All that happiness for nothing.'"
"Depression: a condition that ends the moment you realize it will."
"As I said to my therapist, if I'm not just a big fat zero, explain the ring around my bathtub."
"They way I look at it, seeing yourself only as a statistic is better than having no self-identity at all."
In the interest of political correctness, I loaded a version of the Bible in my editor and replaced all occurences of the word "man" with "person." So now, would you believe it, theres a verse in Exodus where razor blades rain from the sky. It's Personna from heaven.
-- Robert Brault
Friday, June 12, 2009
A Thought for the Weekend
"Sometimes it's just a short swim from the shipwreck of your life to the island paradise of your dreams -- assuming you don't drown in the metaphor."
-- Robert Brault
-- Robert Brault
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Thoughts on Myself
"I believe in a real, physical world. I figure if the world existed only in my mind, it would pay more attention to me."
As I go through life, my central focus is myself, while all around me the world goes about its business. It seems that I am the center, indeed the epicenter, of the world's inattention.
"I have never stood before one of those three-sided mirrors in a clothing store without wishing there was a button you could push, and a trap door would open, and you would disappear from the face of the earth."
"I'm right-handed, whereas the fellow in my mirror is left-handed. I start shaving from the left; he starts from the right. Differences only in perception, but religious wars have been fought over such."
"Just once I would like to look into my eyes without my eyes looking back into mine."
"I have been in lifelong contention with my conscience, which, truth be known, is worse than I am."
"I've researched my family tree and found no pirates or horse thieves, although there was this one ancestor who was drummed out of Attila's army for conduct unbecoming a Hun. "
-- Robert Brault
As I go through life, my central focus is myself, while all around me the world goes about its business. It seems that I am the center, indeed the epicenter, of the world's inattention.
"I have never stood before one of those three-sided mirrors in a clothing store without wishing there was a button you could push, and a trap door would open, and you would disappear from the face of the earth."
"I'm right-handed, whereas the fellow in my mirror is left-handed. I start shaving from the left; he starts from the right. Differences only in perception, but religious wars have been fought over such."
"Just once I would like to look into my eyes without my eyes looking back into mine."
"I have been in lifelong contention with my conscience, which, truth be known, is worse than I am."
"I've researched my family tree and found no pirates or horse thieves, although there was this one ancestor who was drummed out of Attila's army for conduct unbecoming a Hun. "
-- Robert Brault
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Serious Thoughts on Friendship, Loyalty and Sin
"Friends never ask favors of their friendship. They ask favors of each other, making clear that their friendship is not at stake."
"As candidates for the perfect friendship, I picture two people who have emerged from a confessional, are kneeling side by side, and discover that they have been given the same penance."
"Those who cannot appeal to our respect or gratitude will appeal to our loyalty."
"No one appeals to loyalty who can appeal to friendship. And no one appeals to friendship who values friendship. True friends appeal to each other, leaving their friendship off the table, and leaving appeals to loyalty to politicians and scoundrels."
"History is a retrospective in which loyalists are seen as traitors and traitors as founding fathers."
"The Seven Deadly Sins are a litany of victimless crimes, compiled to distract attention from the bloody felonies of the righteous."
"I would rather be at the mercy of the Seven Deadly Sins than the executive arm of the Seven Virtues."
-- Robert Brault
"As candidates for the perfect friendship, I picture two people who have emerged from a confessional, are kneeling side by side, and discover that they have been given the same penance."
"Those who cannot appeal to our respect or gratitude will appeal to our loyalty."
"No one appeals to loyalty who can appeal to friendship. And no one appeals to friendship who values friendship. True friends appeal to each other, leaving their friendship off the table, and leaving appeals to loyalty to politicians and scoundrels."
"History is a retrospective in which loyalists are seen as traitors and traitors as founding fathers."
"The Seven Deadly Sins are a litany of victimless crimes, compiled to distract attention from the bloody felonies of the righteous."
"I would rather be at the mercy of the Seven Deadly Sins than the executive arm of the Seven Virtues."
-- Robert Brault
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A Favorite From the Archives
TEN WAYS TO ACE YOUR JUDGMENT DAY INTERVIEW
1. Be on time.
2. Tell the Lord you've heard a lot about heaven and like what you hear.
3. Be neat, alert, make direct eye contact.
4. Don't stare at the facial hair.
5. When the Lord speaks, lean forward, look interested.
6. Be familiar with the Lord's background. ("I really liked your Ten Commandments.")
7. Be clear on where you want to be in five years.
8. Be honest about personal flaws. ("I tend to be too forgiving.")
9. Do not hesitate to underscore qualifications. ("I go to church every Easter.")
10. Make it clear that you'll accept the standard benefits package.
-- Robert Brault
Monday, June 8, 2009
What Passes For Humor Around Here
"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll take your favorite spot."
"The way rabbits multiply, you'd think they were part birthday candle."
Words from the past: "It's a clever idea, Mr. Bell, but don't wire us, we'll wire you."
Some day the world will end, and those tough Midwesterners sandbagging the Mississippi will say, "We had a worse end of the world back in '99".
"Meanwhile, word of a major event along the San Andreas Fault has reached the 47 contiguous states."
"Ever wonder what Californians do when they aren't fleeing their homes?"
From the files of Western Union, here is the first message ever transmitted by Morse Code from Australia: "/dit dot/dit dot dot/dot dit/walla walla bing bang."
"We hear that the population of China has reached 1.3 billion, or two less than the number of ways to spell General Tso's chicken."
"Saudi Arabia has announced that if the U.S. continues to print pieces of paper that say"Dollar" on them, they will print pieces of paper that say "Oil" on them."
Just out for the kiddies is a new video chess game that answers the age-old question, "What happens if the checkmated king is armed with an AK-47?"
-- Robert Brault
"The way rabbits multiply, you'd think they were part birthday candle."
Words from the past: "It's a clever idea, Mr. Bell, but don't wire us, we'll wire you."
Some day the world will end, and those tough Midwesterners sandbagging the Mississippi will say, "We had a worse end of the world back in '99".
"Meanwhile, word of a major event along the San Andreas Fault has reached the 47 contiguous states."
"Ever wonder what Californians do when they aren't fleeing their homes?"
From the files of Western Union, here is the first message ever transmitted by Morse Code from Australia: "/dit dot/dit dot dot/dot dit/walla walla bing bang."
"We hear that the population of China has reached 1.3 billion, or two less than the number of ways to spell General Tso's chicken."
"Saudi Arabia has announced that if the U.S. continues to print pieces of paper that say"Dollar" on them, they will print pieces of paper that say "Oil" on them."
Just out for the kiddies is a new video chess game that answers the age-old question, "What happens if the checkmated king is armed with an AK-47?"
-- Robert Brault
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thoughts on Life, Learning and Opportunity
"The little money I have -- that is my wealth, but the things I have for which I would not take money, that is my treasure."
"Sometimes the difference between sweet success and the bitter taste of failure is being smart enough to peel the orange."
"There is a lesson in every failure -- for those who would remember the lesson and forget the failure."
"Learning is a lifetime process, but there comes a time when we must stop adding and start updating."
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn't have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order."
"Opportunity is a parade. Even as one chance passes, the next is a fife and drum echoing in the distance."
"Dare to turn life on its end, and you may find that topsy-turvy is a truer perspective than turvy-topsy."
"Success is never a shiny new coin. It is a much-circulated coin, many times ill-spent, seeking hands that will spend it to purpose. "
-- Robert Brault
"Sometimes the difference between sweet success and the bitter taste of failure is being smart enough to peel the orange."
"There is a lesson in every failure -- for those who would remember the lesson and forget the failure."
"Learning is a lifetime process, but there comes a time when we must stop adding and start updating."
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn't have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order."
"Opportunity is a parade. Even as one chance passes, the next is a fife and drum echoing in the distance."
"Dare to turn life on its end, and you may find that topsy-turvy is a truer perspective than turvy-topsy."
"Success is never a shiny new coin. It is a much-circulated coin, many times ill-spent, seeking hands that will spend it to purpose. "
-- Robert Brault
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thoughts Short, Sweet and Upbeat
"Life is all about discovering things that do matter in the end."
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be."
"Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them."
"The realist sees reality as concrete. The optimist sees reality as clay."
"What good thing ever done was not the fruit of a confident expectation."
"What is progress but the realized vision of some optimist."
"Never point a finger where you never lent a hand."
-- Robert Brault
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be."
"Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them."
"The realist sees reality as concrete. The optimist sees reality as clay."
"What good thing ever done was not the fruit of a confident expectation."
"What is progress but the realized vision of some optimist."
"Never point a finger where you never lent a hand."
-- Robert Brault
Thursday, June 4, 2009
How to Walk Down the Street: Tips and Pointers
(Note: Our guest expert today is the eminent Professor of Walking Down the Street Robert Brault, Hig.h, Sch, Ool.d, Rop, Out.)
Reader #1 writes: Dear Professor Brault: Sometimes, while walking down the street, I get a pebble in my shoe, causing irritation under my sole or heel. The discomfort is not enough to make me stop and remove the pebble, so I continue along, my walk ruined. What should I do?
Professor Brault answers: This is a common problem. Do this: walk several paces on the side of your foot, working the pebble down under your arch. This will relieve pressure under the sole or heel while causing an excruciating pain under the arch. This should make you want to stop and remove the pebble.
Reader#2 writes: Dear Professor Brault: While walking, I suddenly found it difficult to lift my left leg. It seemed stuck to the sidewalk. Is this something you have encountered in your studies of walking down the street?
Professor Brault answers: You most likely stepped on a wad of chewing gum. Wherever children walk, chewing gum is likely to be strewn about on account of it's lost its flavor. Do this: Look for a discarded popsicle stick that you can use to scrape off the gum. After you pick up the stick, examine it carefully. Is it orange-colored, or grape-colored or more rust-colored? If rust-colored, it may be root beer or it may be hundreds of tiny rust-colored ants -- the kind that crawl all over popsicle sticks. That would explain the tickling sensation you're beginning to feel all over your body. Never pick up a rust-colored popsicle stick, I should have told you. Quickly scrape the gum off your shoe and call Orkin.
Today's Bonus Section: Two Cheery Thoughts
Cheery Thought #1
There is a saying among lobsters: Life is hell, then you're boiled alive. But, see, you are not a lobster.
Cheery Thought #2:
You have lived an imperfect life and fear eternal damnation. Yes, but eternal damnation is a theory largely discarded by theologians. It is now believed that an imperfect life results only in your being reincarnated as a large cold-water shellfish.
-- Robert Brault
Reader #1 writes: Dear Professor Brault: Sometimes, while walking down the street, I get a pebble in my shoe, causing irritation under my sole or heel. The discomfort is not enough to make me stop and remove the pebble, so I continue along, my walk ruined. What should I do?
Professor Brault answers: This is a common problem. Do this: walk several paces on the side of your foot, working the pebble down under your arch. This will relieve pressure under the sole or heel while causing an excruciating pain under the arch. This should make you want to stop and remove the pebble.
Reader#2 writes: Dear Professor Brault: While walking, I suddenly found it difficult to lift my left leg. It seemed stuck to the sidewalk. Is this something you have encountered in your studies of walking down the street?
Professor Brault answers: You most likely stepped on a wad of chewing gum. Wherever children walk, chewing gum is likely to be strewn about on account of it's lost its flavor. Do this: Look for a discarded popsicle stick that you can use to scrape off the gum. After you pick up the stick, examine it carefully. Is it orange-colored, or grape-colored or more rust-colored? If rust-colored, it may be root beer or it may be hundreds of tiny rust-colored ants -- the kind that crawl all over popsicle sticks. That would explain the tickling sensation you're beginning to feel all over your body. Never pick up a rust-colored popsicle stick, I should have told you. Quickly scrape the gum off your shoe and call Orkin.
Today's Bonus Section: Two Cheery Thoughts
Cheery Thought #1
There is a saying among lobsters: Life is hell, then you're boiled alive. But, see, you are not a lobster.
Cheery Thought #2:
You have lived an imperfect life and fear eternal damnation. Yes, but eternal damnation is a theory largely discarded by theologians. It is now believed that an imperfect life results only in your being reincarnated as a large cold-water shellfish.
-- Robert Brault
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
What Passes For Heavy Thinking Around Here
"How do you achieve success? Well, for one thing, you don't define it before you achieve it."
"In youth we place our faith in hope. In old age we place our hope in faith."
"Not all that I believe passes the test of logic, but neither does all logic."
"I was once a skeptic but was converted by the two missionaries on either side of my nose."
"When you look back on the happy times in your life, what strikes you is how flimsy the excuses were."
"Acting from a sense of common humanity is not a kindness, although it is often mistaken for such."
-- Robert Brault
"In youth we place our faith in hope. In old age we place our hope in faith."
"Not all that I believe passes the test of logic, but neither does all logic."
"I was once a skeptic but was converted by the two missionaries on either side of my nose."
"When you look back on the happy times in your life, what strikes you is how flimsy the excuses were."
"Acting from a sense of common humanity is not a kindness, although it is often mistaken for such."
-- Robert Brault
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thoughts on Man and Animal
"The smarter the animal, the better it is at pretending to be trained."
"Man is the only trained animal who expects his reward before he does his trick."
"If a rabbit defined intelligence the way man does, then the most intelligent animal would be a rabbit, followed by the animal most willing to obey the commands of a rabbit."
"Man defines intelligence in himself as independence of thought. In all other animals, he defines it as a willingness to follow orders."
"A dog's bark can mean many things, but mostly it means, "Fetch" or "Stay"."
"A dog is much like a married man, obeying his master's voice for the sake of his master's touch."
"Tests show that dolphins are not, after all, smarter than people -- but they're 50% smarter than people would be if people were dolphins."
-- Robert Brault
"Man is the only trained animal who expects his reward before he does his trick."
"If a rabbit defined intelligence the way man does, then the most intelligent animal would be a rabbit, followed by the animal most willing to obey the commands of a rabbit."
"Man defines intelligence in himself as independence of thought. In all other animals, he defines it as a willingness to follow orders."
"A dog's bark can mean many things, but mostly it means, "Fetch" or "Stay"."
"A dog is much like a married man, obeying his master's voice for the sake of his master's touch."
"Tests show that dolphins are not, after all, smarter than people -- but they're 50% smarter than people would be if people were dolphins."
-- Robert Brault
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