"I tell my child, if I seem obsessed to always know where you've been, it is because my DNA will be found at the scene."
"I have come to believe that a child has sufficiently memorized his catechism when he has learned the questions."
"The first thing a child learns in school is to stop asking questions that can't be answered."
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."
"If all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail, but the problem is actually that your boss only has a screwdriver."
"Some call me gullible, but I do own the Brooklyn Bridge, pending resolution of my dispute on eBay."
"Some are skeptical of religion, but most believe that life's search is more happily conducted with a treasure map."
"I never get to meet the person in charge, like the other day I was tempted by the devil's second assistant for Northeast USA operations."
"Meanwhile, according to the Modern Book of Etiquette, the graveside ceremony is now considered a suitable period of mourning."
My last words, which I've instructed my wife to read to the mourners at my graveside, will be as follows: "All are invited to a reception at our home, which I have strongly encouraged Joan to use as an opportunity to meet men."
"You can't blame your mom for everything, but when you miss your plane by five minutes, it's hard not to wish your mom had had you five minutes sooner."
"You are a man, my boy, when you realize that every woman is entitled to your admiration, every child to your protection and every animal to the gentle stroke of your hand."
~~ Robert Brault