Something a little different this week. A reminder that these items are proprietary. No commercial use without permission.
BUMPER STICKERS
"In one-quarter mile, stop and ask directions. GPS Lady."
"Supporting the top 1% and loving it."
"This vehicle stops for flashing blue lights."
"Turn signal not a guarantee of future performance."
"If you can read this, you must have been educated abroad."
"Driver of the Month -- August 1946"
"My son is an honor student at Ed's Online University."
"Just ahead. Acme Smell-The-Roses Drive Thru."
"Offer police and fire protection out of your own home. Call for start-up kit."
"This car climbed Death Valley."
"Experimental vehicle. May emit nerve gas."
"Support our servicemen and other government workers."
"Leaving school zone. Resume careless driving."
"Leaving construction zone. Resume speeding.
"Leaving QUIET zone. Resume noise."
"Any closer and you could get through on my E-Z-Pass."
"Didn't mean to wipe your nose. Was trying to wipe my butt."
A Few Bonus Thoughts
"Not until you finally confide in someone do you realize that so much of a private hell is an insistence on privacy."
"One of life's regrets is that you didn't always tell the truth, and now it's too late, because the truth has changed."
"I can tell sometimes by the way my dog and my cat look at me that they're planning an intervention."
"While settling for one's share is an admirable trait, it is an unreliable motivator."
"Having a monthly payment taken automatically from your checking account is not only a convenience but, after death, a form of immortality."
"It doesn't pay to try to trick your kids. You don't fool them, and they learn your tricks."
"Life is a series of family photos in which you keep moving to the rear until finally you're a portrait in the background."
~~ Robert Brault
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
How To Walk Down The Street (Reprise)
(Note: Our guest expert today is the eminent Professor of Walking Down the Street Robert Brault, Hig.h, Sch, Ool.d, Rop, Out.)
Reader #1 writes: Dear Professor Brault: Sometimes, while walking down the street, I get a pebble in my shoe, causing irritation under my sole or heel. The discomfort is not enough to make me stop and remove the pebble, so I continue along, my walk ruined. What should I do?
Professor Brault answers: This is a common problem. Do this: walk several paces on the side of your foot, working the pebble down under your arch. This will relieve pressure under the sole or heel while causing an excruciating pain under the arch. This should make you want to stop and remove the pebble.
Reader#2 writes: Dear Professor Brault: While walking, I suddenly found it difficult to lift my left leg. It seemed stuck to the sidewalk. Is this something you have encountered in your studies of walking down the street?
Professor Brault answers: You most likely stepped on a wad of chewing gum. Wherever children walk, chewing gum is likely to be strewn about on account of it's lost its flavor. Do this: Look for a discarded popsicle stick that you can use to scrape off the gum. After you pick up the stick, examine it carefully. Is it orange-colored, or grape-colored or rust-colored? If rust-colored, it may be root beer or it may be hundreds of tiny rust-colored ants -- the kind that crawl all over popsicle sticks. That would explain the tickling sensation you're beginning to feel all over your body. Never pick up a rust-colored popsicle stick, I should have told you. Quickly scrape the gum off your shoe and call Orkin.
Today's Bonus Section: Two Cheery Thoughts
Cheery Thought #1
There is a saying among lobsters: Life is hell, then you're boiled alive. But, see, you are not a lobster.
Cheery Thought #2:
You have lived an imperfect life and fear eternal damnation. Yes, but eternal damnation is a theory largely discarded by theologians. It is now believed that an imperfect life results only in your being reincarnated as a large, cold-water shellfish.
-- Robert Brault
Reader #1 writes: Dear Professor Brault: Sometimes, while walking down the street, I get a pebble in my shoe, causing irritation under my sole or heel. The discomfort is not enough to make me stop and remove the pebble, so I continue along, my walk ruined. What should I do?
Professor Brault answers: This is a common problem. Do this: walk several paces on the side of your foot, working the pebble down under your arch. This will relieve pressure under the sole or heel while causing an excruciating pain under the arch. This should make you want to stop and remove the pebble.
Reader#2 writes: Dear Professor Brault: While walking, I suddenly found it difficult to lift my left leg. It seemed stuck to the sidewalk. Is this something you have encountered in your studies of walking down the street?
Professor Brault answers: You most likely stepped on a wad of chewing gum. Wherever children walk, chewing gum is likely to be strewn about on account of it's lost its flavor. Do this: Look for a discarded popsicle stick that you can use to scrape off the gum. After you pick up the stick, examine it carefully. Is it orange-colored, or grape-colored or rust-colored? If rust-colored, it may be root beer or it may be hundreds of tiny rust-colored ants -- the kind that crawl all over popsicle sticks. That would explain the tickling sensation you're beginning to feel all over your body. Never pick up a rust-colored popsicle stick, I should have told you. Quickly scrape the gum off your shoe and call Orkin.
Today's Bonus Section: Two Cheery Thoughts
Cheery Thought #1
There is a saying among lobsters: Life is hell, then you're boiled alive. But, see, you are not a lobster.
Cheery Thought #2:
You have lived an imperfect life and fear eternal damnation. Yes, but eternal damnation is a theory largely discarded by theologians. It is now believed that an imperfect life results only in your being reincarnated as a large, cold-water shellfish.
-- Robert Brault
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thoughts Probably a Side Effect Of my Meds
"Nostalgia is not so much the memory of happier times as of higher hopes."
"While I occasionally enjoy a bout of nostalgia, I would generally rather dream forward than backward."
"Eventually, if you're lucky in life, you find someone with the same chemical imbalance you have."
"Often the only thing a husband and wife have in common is that they used to go to the same places to meet members of the opposite sex."
"Meanwhile, there's a new medicine whose side effects are constipation, irritability and an uncompromising desire to balance the national budget."
"Life is a series of family photos in which eventually you stop showing up."
"It's not that you die, it's that you slow down to the point that even with the camera on ten-second delay, you aren't fast enough to get into the picture."
"Learn to listen. It's amazing the ideas that pop into your head while people are saying them into your ear."
"If it doesn't work horizontally as prose...
it
probably
won't
work
any
better
vertically
pretending
to
be
poetry."
Nothing's so facile
As the tongue of an acile.
"What if, instead of a parallel universe, there's a perpendicular universe. Discuss."
"It's curious the way we get nostalgic for some hoped-for thing that never happened, as if something that never happened were in the past."
"The way you know you're traveling backward through time is that your hopes keep getting higher."
"As revised for 21st-century reality, optimism is a brimming confidence that tomorrow will bring some reason for optimism."
"The hardest thing about reality is returning to it after an hour inside your child's mind."
"The reward for providing our kids a happy childhood is that we get to spend a little time in it ourselves."
"While I find that I can keep my nose out of other people's business, I do have a curiosity as to their non-business activities. "
~~ Robert Brault
"While I occasionally enjoy a bout of nostalgia, I would generally rather dream forward than backward."
"Eventually, if you're lucky in life, you find someone with the same chemical imbalance you have."
"Often the only thing a husband and wife have in common is that they used to go to the same places to meet members of the opposite sex."
"Meanwhile, there's a new medicine whose side effects are constipation, irritability and an uncompromising desire to balance the national budget."
"Life is a series of family photos in which eventually you stop showing up."
"It's not that you die, it's that you slow down to the point that even with the camera on ten-second delay, you aren't fast enough to get into the picture."
"Learn to listen. It's amazing the ideas that pop into your head while people are saying them into your ear."
"If it doesn't work horizontally as prose...
it
probably
won't
work
any
better
vertically
pretending
to
be
poetry."
Nothing's so facile
As the tongue of an acile.
"What if, instead of a parallel universe, there's a perpendicular universe. Discuss."
"It's curious the way we get nostalgic for some hoped-for thing that never happened, as if something that never happened were in the past."
"The way you know you're traveling backward through time is that your hopes keep getting higher."
"As revised for 21st-century reality, optimism is a brimming confidence that tomorrow will bring some reason for optimism."
"The hardest thing about reality is returning to it after an hour inside your child's mind."
"The reward for providing our kids a happy childhood is that we get to spend a little time in it ourselves."
"While I find that I can keep my nose out of other people's business, I do have a curiosity as to their non-business activities. "
~~ Robert Brault
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thoughts on This, That and Scrabble
"Two people can have a middling day, but one rounds up and the other rounds down."
"The main thing wrong with the American dollar is that there are not enough ones, fives and tens to change all the twenties."
"As friend and confidante, my dog is no less silent than my shadow, but he shows up on cloudy days."
"Ever notice how an old dog gets to like the same Netflix you do, or is that just Labs."
"The chief thing you learn to do as a parent is to fix it and never mind how it happened."
"In the presence of a smashed vase, it's amazing the way a dog, a cat and a small child can agree on the same story."
"The younger sibling always knows where the older sibling's lost toy is."
"At my house, when a missing pawn shows up in the Scrabble tiles, it counts as an extra blank."
"Then, of course, when Uncle Ed plays Scrabble, we get into the question of whether it's really a blank tile when there's a 'Q' on the other side."
"Whoever dreamed up Scrabble had an exaggerated idea of how many seven-letter words have five i's."
"I've always wondered what happens when you're declared incapable of managing your own affairs -- I mean, does your guardian start meeting your secretary in hotel rooms?"
"Perhaps we misjudge other people's loneliness because we're so seldom with them when they're alone."
"Yes, I worry about the craziest things, but better me than someone less qualified."
"As I've explained to my psychoanalyst, as a child I had a make-believe friend, but he died."
"While I have yet to run across my own obituary, I'm occasionally mentioned as having pre-deceased someone."
"When you become an atheist, do you have to give up everything you enjoy only by the grace of God?"
"If there be no God, then what is truth but the average of all lies."
~~ Robert Brault
"The main thing wrong with the American dollar is that there are not enough ones, fives and tens to change all the twenties."
"As friend and confidante, my dog is no less silent than my shadow, but he shows up on cloudy days."
"Ever notice how an old dog gets to like the same Netflix you do, or is that just Labs."
"The chief thing you learn to do as a parent is to fix it and never mind how it happened."
"In the presence of a smashed vase, it's amazing the way a dog, a cat and a small child can agree on the same story."
"The younger sibling always knows where the older sibling's lost toy is."
"At my house, when a missing pawn shows up in the Scrabble tiles, it counts as an extra blank."
"Then, of course, when Uncle Ed plays Scrabble, we get into the question of whether it's really a blank tile when there's a 'Q' on the other side."
"Whoever dreamed up Scrabble had an exaggerated idea of how many seven-letter words have five i's."
"I've always wondered what happens when you're declared incapable of managing your own affairs -- I mean, does your guardian start meeting your secretary in hotel rooms?"
"Perhaps we misjudge other people's loneliness because we're so seldom with them when they're alone."
"Yes, I worry about the craziest things, but better me than someone less qualified."
"As I've explained to my psychoanalyst, as a child I had a make-believe friend, but he died."
"While I have yet to run across my own obituary, I'm occasionally mentioned as having pre-deceased someone."
"When you become an atheist, do you have to give up everything you enjoy only by the grace of God?"
"If there be no God, then what is truth but the average of all lies."
~~ Robert Brault
Friday, July 1, 2011
Double Entendres and Single Malts
"In America the debate goes on as to whether an empty glass is half-empty or half-full."
"Despite the goings-on in Congress, I don't believe the USA is bordering on madness. I believe Mexico and Canada are."
All parties are masquerade parties. Even "Come as you are" is an invitation to come in your usual disguise.
"If you remember it without tears, it wasn't happiness."
"Given Einstein's definition of insanity, I do wonder if the sun rises every morning expecting a different result."
"If you would expose a national delusion, you must do so before it can claim fallen heroes."
"If there were no good or evil, we would still need God in order to have true or false."
"What do we ask of government but that it weigh our needs against the other fellow's wants."
"It would not be so important to have the truth on your side, were it ever neutral."
"That we might occasionally have refuge from moral judgment, God gives us a family."
"There is a paralyzing mental illness characterized by being able to see the lie in every truth and the truth in every lie."
"The difference between red wine drinkers and white wine drinkers is that white wine drinkers talk about art and politics while red wine drinkers talk about red wine."
~~ Robert Brault
"Despite the goings-on in Congress, I don't believe the USA is bordering on madness. I believe Mexico and Canada are."
All parties are masquerade parties. Even "Come as you are" is an invitation to come in your usual disguise.
"If you remember it without tears, it wasn't happiness."
"Given Einstein's definition of insanity, I do wonder if the sun rises every morning expecting a different result."
"If you would expose a national delusion, you must do so before it can claim fallen heroes."
"If there were no good or evil, we would still need God in order to have true or false."
"What do we ask of government but that it weigh our needs against the other fellow's wants."
"It would not be so important to have the truth on your side, were it ever neutral."
"That we might occasionally have refuge from moral judgment, God gives us a family."
"There is a paralyzing mental illness characterized by being able to see the lie in every truth and the truth in every lie."
"The difference between red wine drinkers and white wine drinkers is that white wine drinkers talk about art and politics while red wine drinkers talk about red wine."
~~ Robert Brault
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